i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
