Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
