I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
