The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
