she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
