Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
