I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
