If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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