I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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