On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
