im having a threesome with these popsicles
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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