I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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