Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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