I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
one might say we're banned from that church
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
