Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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