And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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