"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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