your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Randomize
