Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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