Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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