please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
