Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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