he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
