Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
