i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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