dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
