My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
