whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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