we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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