answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So vagazzling was a success
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
