I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
