First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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