You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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