How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
