tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My balls are so social today.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
