can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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