1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
