Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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