is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
