The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
