I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
