I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
