she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
