How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
