The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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