You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
