I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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