I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
