he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
