While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
